Fern: Let’s not write about . . . you know. The election is a week away and most of us just want to get this over with.
Joe: We voted early so it’s out of our hands. What do you want to write about?
Fern: Our grandson, Joey!
Joe: Really? Nothing is more boring than people talking about their grandchildren. Or passing around a phone showing a picture of their adorable grandchild dressed up as a pumpkin.
Fern: I was thinking after we saw the movie Will and Harper on Netflix (I highly recommend), about how early and embedded gender identity is.
Then I was thinking of how we cared for Joey during Covid – and saw who he was becoming.
Joe: Which was?
Fern: Well, he was such a . . . boy. I think it was obvious. Even at a very young age.
Joe: And a boy? Is that a bad thing?
Fern: No, of course not!
Joe : We saw him a lot, babysitting when he stopped going to daycare because of Covid. And his mom had to teach online.
How old was he? Three?
Fern: Every day he’d walk into the house and announce: “Let’s play!!” He never napped. I don’t know how we did that everyday. It was exhausting.
Joe: We were younger.
Fern: Having raised girls, Joey’s imaginary play was alien to me. It was filled with monsters, vehicles crashing and swords. Everything was made into a gun . . .
Joe: Although his mom never let him have a toy gun.
Fern: But his fantasy games always seemed to involved weapons and power.
Joe: Well, when you’re a kid, you’re really powerless. I always loved playing with my toy soldiers. Putting them into battles.
I liked to build things with Joey and do art. But I did also like the dinosaurs.
Fern: Make-believe weapons and bad guys and scary animals were boring to me. And also male-centered.
So I invented the Girls on the Bus. There were five of them. And Joey and I named them together: Dolly, Holly, Molly, Lolly and Polly. The girls were smart. They often had professions: archeology, science, medicine. . . Entering dangerous situations, I made sure they were brave as well.
Joey liked it. We’d start to play and he’d instruct me: “Get the Girls!
The girls went on all the adventures Joey created. If he made a Jurassic park with fierce dinosaurs, the girls were there. If he set up a jail for the bad guys or a pirate cove, the girls rode the bus along the periphery of the coffee table.
And along with the bath toys (fish and submarines) Joey had The Girls perched around the tub. Unfortunately they often met their demise by falling into the water and were quickly eaten by killer sharks.
Joe: They were the cleanest Fisher-Price toys ever.
So what were you trying to do by introducing The Girls into Joey’s imaginary world?
Fern: I’m not sure. Maybe I was doing it for me. To make his play less sexist. To make a feminist statement? Those girls were smart and resourceful and strong.
Joe: I’m not sure the lesson was needed. Under the bravado, Joey is kindhearted by nature. But I believe there are some innate signs we just can’t ignore. I remember when Joey was just over two years old, he was watching an old Ed Sullivan Show featuring the Beatles. Midway through the song, all these dancers dressed as harem girls shimmied onto the stage, and Joey said-- calmly, quietly, almost as if to himself-- “I want to tickle those ladies.”
We are who we are.
And for what we’re not, we try to compensate. Everybody starts life as small and powerless in a world of giants. And even if we’re lucky, even if those giants are capable and nurturing, we still feel the littleness. Boys want to pretend they’re powerful and invulnerable and win at every battle. Boys can grow into their heroes.
Fern: Or not. I think some stop growing. Some reach adulthood still fantasizing all sorts of power over others. Like bragging and name-calling and grabbing them by the pussy, remaining forever a bully-boy.
Joe: You said you wanted us to write a column that doesn’t say his name.
Fern: But then I read an article in The New Yorker about how the very wealthy in our country are going to vote for Trump. Not the MAGA crowd from his rallies, but billionaires who are spending huge amounts of money to get Trump elected. The article, Purchasing Power, asks: “What do the biggest donors to Donald Trump’s campaign expect to get in return? ”
Reading that article makes one believe that America is up for sale. And oligarchs -- Russian or American ones – pretty much expect unfettered power.
Joe: I don’t know how you can read The New Yorker before you go to sleep.
Fern: Because the articles are so upsetting?
Joe: No. Because they’re so long. Before bed, you should just read the cartoons.
EIGHT DAYS until the election. What will happen on Tuesday, November 5? I am excited and terrified at the same time. I am 64, but some days all I can think is, I am too old for this shit.
And then, I read something wonderful by two people I love and all is well.
Thank you.
We love these conversations. Good on the two of you.
Boys and girls are different creatures. Joe’s talk of how little boys play is what I know. I bought a kitchen set for our boys wanting them to understand that men can function in a kitchen. They took it apart, with the neighbor boys, and turned into a fort. Boys will always be boys. The girls on the bus is a model for all of us grandparents. Thanks!!